Empty

It's been two and a half weeks since I took Bella to her last vet appointment and I must say the house still feels empty. I want to say each day gets a little easier but I also know it changes at the drop of a hat! I have an emptiness in my heart,my house and my life!

I went back to the vets office last Friday to pick up her ashes, and while I thought I was prepared emotionally to be back in the place where I said goodbye, my emotions started to grab hold while I was in line! I watched another dog come out of an exam room and I glanced at her last exam room! Bad idea the dam was starting to break, by the time I reached the desk the tears had started as I tried to hold them back I told the receptionist I was there to pick up Bella Rae's ashes, (and every time I think about it I get teary eyed)! The dam was falling apart! While the receptionist went to the back to get her I waited and tried to put my emotions in check but found it difficult. The office was full of people and I felt like they were all watching me! She brought Bella out in a nice velvet bag and was carrying another little bag, then said "they sent this too, do you want them?" And in the little bag is the parts from her TPLO surgery, the little 3 inch piece of metal and 4 screws made my heart melt! The dam had broken! As I drove home I felt happy we had her back but incredibly sad for the reminder that she isn't with us! 

I still haven't put her food bowl away, I can't bring myself to do it! I ran across her rain coat, sweaters and winter coats the other day and couldn't stop the flood!  It will get easier but I know I will always have little reminders of her! Harley misses her like crazy and you can tell she has good days and bad days, this morning seemed like a rough day for her! 

I have to keep telling myself today is a new day and it will be a good day!

Thanks for all the love! 

This is her hardware! 

This is what I have left of a beautiful friendship!

Her last photo! I love you Bella and miss you everyday! 

Bella's last week

I've felt it coming for a while and everyday the reality gets harder and harder! And yes I know she is a dog but she is my baby! 

Today I noticed that things are progressing, so Thursday will be the day! The day we say goodbye to a love that has been constant and a playful tough girl! I thought she would be able to grow ok with us, bot God has other plans! It breaks my heart to say goodbye but I can't let her suffer! We love her too much for that!

So if anyone wants to give her farewell hugs they are welcome to come visit just let me know first! 

Much love!

Bella Rae's Journey!

I know its been forever since I have written! Bella continues to do well after her TPLO surgery in Sept 2012, she has not injured the other leg yet! So she has beat the odds! However it is with a heavy heart that I tell you she has Lymphoma, centroblastic hygrade lymphoma to be exact!!! Treatment is extremely expensive and we cannot afford it nor can I put her through it! I noticed she had a mass over memorial day weekend this year, took her to the vet the following Tuesday and they weren't sure exactly what it was so they decided she needed them taken out! I took her in for surgery on June 6, 2014 and went to work. Worried about her all day, and went to pick her up at 4, that's when Dr. Alderson told me the two masses were definitely tumors and she had sent them in for biopsies like I wanted! So we waited through the weekend and ended up waiting til Thursday the 12th, the doc had tried all week to get a hold of me but I had forgot to change my phone number at the vets office (note to self don't forget to do that again)!

I had a really rough day on Wednesday because I couldn't shake the feeling that the results weren't good and called my sister, who came to Idaho and surprised me to help me feel better! So we decided to all go to dinner, while at the restaurant I got the call, I immediately began to cry and could barely talk with the vet, I didn't care if anyone saw me cry my baby girl had cancer!!!!

So here we are a month and a half past diagnosis and Bella is still fighting, although its taking its toll on her! Everyone has been so nice in asking how she is doing and I am so grateful for the support (again) but its hard! The more I think about it the sadder it makes me! She is Bret & I's first kid, she has been there through so much! I keep thinking back to all the good memories I have of her and how good she has been with Harley and Corbin and that makes me think of how hard this is going to be on all of us! Harley especially where she isn't prepared like we are! I am dreading the day I take her to the vet to say goodbye! I wish I could freeze time and cuddle her forever!

I know that everything happens for a reason, I just wish she could have caught a break!